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rightpedal introduces its newest blogger

Posted by Uncle Mark | January 28, 2009 | In contributing editors humor

rightpedal introduces its newest Blogger, the mercurial ‘Uncle Mark’, an undercover British motoring journalist currently under witness protection somewhere on the East coast of the USA …

My all time top 5 test drive wish list

The boss man at rightpedal, Hootan, was insistent that my first assignment as a new staff writer was to come up with a list of American cars that I would like to test drive. He didn’t specify that these would have to be the usual boring but practical test drives that he likes, so I came up with my all time top 5 test drive wish list. In no particular order:

Number 1 – The Chevy Tahoe (Hybrid)

I just love the true ‘Yank Tank’ SUV’s like the Excursion, Escalade and Suburban ... I mean, who doesn’t?

Hootan never said that I had to be politically correct, but as a nod to the tree huggers, I’ll test drive a hybrid, though trust me readers, the earth is still going to be my bitch and I will express my democratic right as a wannabe American to drive a giant SUV with crappy gas mileage just because I can and because it looks cool – god I love this country!

The test drive will be simple – I will plug in the co-ordinates of the nearest Toyota dealership into the GPS, choosing the extra sexy but slightly stern women’s voice setting, and then find a Prius to have a fender bender with, just to see who comes off better in a front-on impact. Get a real car and eat my shorts you un-patriotic Prius lovers!

Chevy Tahoe Hybrid

Number 2 – An original Ford F150 ‘Big Foot’

As a kid growing up in England, I used to watch American monster truck shows and believe that all Americans drove trucks with wheels the size of a house. The grand daddy of all the monster trucks was the venerable ‘Big Foot’.

Again, the test drive will be simple – I will drive over the Prius that I previously front ended and crush it into thousands of tiny but eco-friendly pieces … job done!

Bigfoot

Number 3 – ‘Cadillac One’

I don’t know about you, but as well as the US Marine Corps Band blasting out Sousa’s greatest hits, the highlight for me was seeing President Obama’s new badass ride, codenamed ‘Cadillac One’, christened ‘The Beast’ by the Secret Service.

This is the understatement of the century … it’s an 8 ton, armor plated, bullet proof, bomb resistant leviathan that apparently has doors that weigh more than a Boeing 757’s, can deflect RPG’s and ballistic missiles and also comes with a 10 CD auto changer as standard … even though it only gets 8mpg, who wouldn’t want one? It’s the business!

The budget is allegedly only $300,000 per car (President Obama has two, so can spare me one for a couple of hours) while VP Biden gets President Bush’s old ride … I would have expected them to cost more, but compared to a Rolls Royce Phantom, Maybach or a Bentley, this is a steal and my nod to test driving only cars that are respectful of the downturn in the economy. Don’t worry, I’m just doing my part for the country …

Cadillac One

Number 4 – A ‘Hummer’

No, not the watered down H2 or the Tonka toy H3 for me, but an original ‘Arnold Schwarzenegger’ style military spec Hummer, fitted out with a 50 cal Browning machine gun and smoke grenade launchers …

Why you ask? Well, it’s the quintessential all-American vehicle for instituting democracy in the developing world, but I’d also like to drive it around New York to bring my own special brand of democracy at work; I want to try and level up the score with all those traffic cops who lie in wait at intersections, ready to shake down honest, unsuspecting car drivers with bogus tickets for BS infractions, and watch those bloody parking inspectors who lurk around every corner, eager to slap me with a fine because I can’t decipher whether it is a trash collection day, think about giving me a ticket but on second thought, put their printing machine back in its holster.

If it’s okay for the Californian ‘Governator’, why not me?

Humvee

Number 5 – a tie between ‘Knight Rider’ and a classic New York taxi cab

I watch a lot of US movies and TV and love the rounded elegance of those classic yellow New York taxi cabs … why did they have to replace them with the tinny, piece of crap Ford Crown Vics? So test driving an old school taxi cab on the mean streets of New York City would be pretty cool and would probably bring smiles to a few faces …

But if this is my aim, I’m torn between test driving the taxi or the Knight Rider K.I.T.T. 3000 (the new car, not the Hasselhoff version I’m afraid). For one thing, the new Knight Rider is a babe magnet (no matter how bad the TV series is, you are assured gratuitous and completely uncalled for bikini clad characters in every episode, which makes it endearingly watchable), which would bring a smile to my face, but for another thing, the car talks! I mean come on, that’s kind of cool isn’t it?

So, for my dream test drive, I think I’d teach K.I.T.T. a few jokes and a lot of curse words and then drive round with the windows down, trying to make people laugh.

Checker cab

KITT

So anyway, I submitted my list to Hootan. He didn’t even flinch. But he did tell me that I would have to get a US driver's license first. Watch this space …

Uncle Mark

2 Comment(s)

Uncle Mark | posted 1 year, 6 months ago

Wow Hootan ... this new writer is "totally awesome" as they say in the good ole USA.

Keep up the good work fella!

Uncle Mark

Hootan Mahallati | posted 1 year, 6 months ago

Yes he is, I wish I could meet him someday. Ain't nothing like imported British wit!