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Uncle Mark shares his sentiments on FIATs

Posted by Uncle Mark | January 30, 2009 | In contributing editors fiat humor

There is a reason I am in witness protection: last time I wrote for a blog, I inadvertently seriously upset an Italian. Despite what I thought was a very innocuous comment (don’t worry, it wasn’t about his mother, lovely woman, great pair of car horns), he took great offense, which put me off writing for a while…..

Anyway, after hearing about the ‘great’ Chrysler give-away (they jumped into bed with Fiat, clothes off and gave away the sugar within 30 seconds), I feel compelled to break my silence and am going to risk renewed abuse from all Italians for giving you the truth about Fiat and the scariness off this unholy ‘strategic alliance’.

It’s a little known fact that ‘Fiat’, roughly translated from Italian to English, means “excrement of the highest order”. Is this what we want for out beloved US automobiles?

My hatred for Fiat knows no bounds, but I don’t want to bias you.….so, when reflecting on whether one of Detroit’s finest is back to acting that special type of stupid that is right in the same league as flying to Washington on their corporate jet to plead poverty and beg congress for billions of our hard-earned greenbacks, here’s a few of things I’d like you to think about in order to come to your own opinion on the matter:

(1) Fiats drive and handle like a bowl of cold cat sick

Actually, that’s really unfair to bowls of cold cat sick, but if you’ve ever driven a Fiat, you’ll know what I mean … these guys have no technical know-how to leverage with Chrysler.

(2) There is a reason why Fiat leads the way in global Tractor and Harvester production

See point 1.

(3) Though Fiat also produces Ferraris and Maseratis, you wouldn’t want to own a Fiat yourself

Yes, some Fiats in the past have had drop dead sexy looks, but you won’t be enjoying their fine lines much while you peer into the engine bay of your broken down ride Fiysler / Chryiat, plus the residual values will make your 401k, Bear Sterns and Lehman stock and the US TARP plan look like exceptional investments! Chrysler needs a financial alliance with Fiat like I need another hole in my head.

(4) The 500 is a ‘Butterface’

Finally, I’d like to reflect with you on one of my favorite American expressions; ‘Butterface’.

I was exceptionally tickled when I first heard that the phrase ‘Butterface’ in ‘Americanish’ means a man or woman with a really hot bod but who’s face lets down the team (we all know at least one) - in England, we call them BOBFOC’s (Body off Baywatch, Face off Crimewatch … which is our equivalent of America’s most wanted) but I think ‘Butterface’ is so much more apt.

Anyway, just to add to the debate on the new fiat 500 … I’d like to definitively say that it is a ‘Butterface’ and that the Mini, Toyota Aygo, in fact any other small car looks better than this does.

However, before I go, lets spare a thought for those less fortunate that Chrysler and know that we can all rest in our beds safe at night thanking our lucky stars that they didn’t choose a French car manufacturer for a strategic dalliance … Peugeots, Renaults and Citroens are really really crap.

Love,

Uncle Mark

11 Comment(s)

Big E | posted 1 year, 6 months ago

I tend to agree... I used to have a FIAT once upon a time which wasn't really that bad - was it now Hootan? I mean, the exhaust fell off, head gasket blew and the oil pan was so rusty you could have poked your finger through it. When I discovered that I sold it. To a bloke from ex-Yugoslavia. I haven't received any death threats yet!

Big E

Hootan Mahallati | posted 1 year, 6 months ago

No, it wasn't bad while it still had a head gasket. I'm glad you're still alive, although the bloke is probably happy that he has a newer Fiat than his last Fiat...I mean....Yugo.

John Baronian | posted 1 year, 6 months ago

When I was growing up in the '70s, I learned to drive on a Fiat Station Wagon ( I'm trying to remember what model but it was like the 131). We also later had the sedan model like a 128. Both cars drove OK. Not sexy Italian, but it wasn't the Rix It Again Tony Fiat that many claim. It spent far less time in the shop than my dad's prized Jaguar or the MGB. Alas ultimately Dad caved to Mom's claim that we needed something bigger that was safe on American roads and we got a Plymouth Volare. Mind you the only Volare station wagon with Standard transmission in the whole state of Connecticut. Then I really wished I was driving the "crappy" Fiat 131!

Hootan Mahallati | posted 1 year, 6 months ago

John, I remember the 124s and 131 from when I was a kid. They actually did have some character, you are right. But Uncle Mark has been scarred for life, it would take a miracle to change his mind.

John Baronian | posted 1 year, 6 months ago

Here is an awesome sales video in French for the Fiat 131: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=385H57_jlgc Now I want to find one on EBAY!

Ale | posted 1 year, 5 months ago

Hey dude, I'm Italian but I agree with you! :-). Fiat cars are crap (but still they're the cheapest on the market - that's a value call). Let's still consider Chrysler's fate - what would you do if you were the company's CEO? I think the other available option is bankruptcy, isn't it? Wouldn't you marry a "buttteface" if you were 50 without children? :-)

Hootan Mahallati | posted 1 year, 5 months ago

Funny response Ale! :)

Uncle Mark | posted 1 year, 5 months ago

No, I even though you don't look at the mantel piece when you are stoking the fire, I wouldn't marry a 'butterface' if I were the Chrysler CEO ... I would go cap in hand to Washington and spend all the money Congress is willing to give me in Vegas on fast cars, fast women and booze and then waste the rest ... oh crap, wait a minute, that's what he's doing already, isn't it?

Degs | posted 1 year, 5 months ago

An appearance by Uncle Mark. Awesome!

Hootan Mahallati | posted 1 year, 5 months ago

His talents were in high demand, but rightpedal won the race!

Soprano | posted 1 year, 5 months ago

Man , if you visit a fiat shop, you get an offer you can't refuse... is not so ?

Ciao from Verona (Italy)

Alex Berlusconi