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Is selling Cadillacs to Europeans like selling Ice to Eskimos?

Posted by Uncle Mark | February 13, 2009 | In cadillac contributing editors humor

I know I like to rail against the profound stupidity and self-inflicted wounds of the big three Detroit auto titans, but I just can’t help it and after hearing Cadillac’s ‘big plans in Europe’ for the CTS, I have a story that really takes the biscuit.

Cadillac, wanting to capitalize on the goodwill created by the new resident in Pennsylvania Avenue and him being driven in their ‘Beast’ to his inauguration, are pushing the CTS as a taste of US presidential auto prestige perfect for the European market.

Here’s how the conversation must have gone in the ivory towered GM marketing department in Detroit:

“Dude, have you seen those Obama T-Shirts and other s*it – anything associated with him sells like it’s on the McDonald’s dollar menu, doesn’t it?”

“Hell yeah! Let’s convince those European surrender monkeys that Cadd’s are the monkey’s nuts by exploiting the Obama angle to get them out of their Beemers, Audis and Mercs.”

Well, boys and girls, I’ll tell you something for nothing: it ain’t going to work! Historically, Cadillacs have been singularly American in their appeal, in Europe only attracting ‘eccentrics’ (i.e. people who would be deemed crazy and locked up for their own safety if they aren’t richer than Midas) and those with more money than sense, attracted by the endless chrome and ‘bling bling’ (i.e. football players and boxers). But they have been totally impractical for the average driving Joe due to their widths being larger than two of our standard lanes, their fuel consumption being greater than that of a large African country’s, and the fact that they were left-hand drive. Cue the new, smaller breed of Caddys, epitomized by the Saab-based BLS saloon and estate and now the new CTS (converted to drive on the proper side of the road).

But therein lies one of the initial problems….no, not that the Brits drive on the other side – that Saab’s are shite (and that’s not just because my ex girlfriend, she who must not be mentioned, drives one).

GM, which would have gone bust without federal emergency loans and may still go down before March, bought 50% of Saab in 1989 and the rest in 1999 and has made a profit only once in the 20 years, losing around $5,000 for every car it sells in the USA. There is a reason why Saab has been a money pit for GM since they bought it: they stink!
If you want me to put my finger on it, Saabs are the automotive equivalent of a camel: a horse designed by committee. Saabs are like Picassos: all the right pieces but in slightly the wrong places (metaphorically). Saabs are like the proverbial meeting Giselle Bundchen in a night club one night while wearing your beer goggles, bringing her home, and waking up next to Britney Spears - in her chubby, bald phase - the next morning. Saabs are the automotive answer to a question no one can quite fathom, so basing another car on them is like giving Bernie Madoff a few more billion and expecting him to invest it wisely.

But if you want another reason why Cadillac will fail in Europe, here goes: while the CTS is a BMW 5-series sized car with equally bedazzling angular style and bold deportment on the design front, it has a face “that only a mother could love”. As Cadillac’s UK boss Jonathan Nash puts it, “We don’t make cars for shrinking violets. Cadillacs are bold cars for self confident people” which I read as the CTS being targeted in Europe at French car-driving a#@holes, maybe?
Finally, it ain’t no Beemer in the handling or build quality department either, not even close!

But at least Caddy’s ambitions are modest - they are hoping to sell 300 cars this year in the UK, compared to 120,000 BMWs, and they believe they will sell even more when the V6 diesel version becomes available, putting it head-to-head pricewise with some of the BMW diesel workhorses that the UK road warriors love.

Well, GM can dream all they want, but a sales target of 300 is about 300 too many; just because President Obama’s ride is a Caddy, this is not enough to convince Europeans to give up their love affair with the sharper driving German marques, even if they have closed the gap somewhat, and targeting those people who may be bored with the ubiquity of BMs, Audis and Mercs may sound sensible on paper, without having more attractive / competitive pricing and better equipment specs (as Lexus did when they first attacked the UK market), they have two hopes of achieving their goal – ‘Bob’ and ‘No’.

Good luck Cadillac, but I fear you will get a bloody nose from the Bulldog Brits.

Love,
Uncle Mark

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