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rightpedal has the power to bring Saab to its knees

Posted by Uncle Mark | February 20, 2009 | In contributing editors humor saab

I must admit, I feel slightly bad reading the news today that Saab, GM’s loss-making Swedish marque, has put itself into administration after the Swedish government refused to bail it out. I think it was my tongue lashing last week of Saabs (while railing against Cadillac’s stupid plans for European domination) that pushed them over the edge.

I’m not totally heartless: if creditors refuse to restructure their loans or the court-appointed administrator decides the company has no future, Saab will have to go into liquidation, with grave repercussions in Sweden: Saab employs some 4,100 people in Sweden, 3,700 of whom work at its Trollhättan plant, and they also support an estimated 15,000 domestic jobs that are at risk if the company closed.

But let’s face facts. Here’s a few reasons Saab deserves to die:

(1) Saab drivers are idiots
Firstly, as mentioned previously, my ex, “she who must not be mentioned”, drives a Saab (and a cabriolet at that). Now, not that I am bitter or anything, but any car firm that can count as a loyal customer someone with such poor judgment that they turn down the chance to be with Uncle Mark has real problems, and you have to question the sanity of anyone buying a Saab with their own hard earned greenbacks without having a gun put to their head when there are so many similar priced cars (BMWs, Audis, Volvos etc.) that are about a million times better. What is the question to which the answer is “so I decided to buy a Saab instead”?

(2) Saab’s are rubbish
Secondly, it’s just the little Saab idiosyncrasies that Saab drivers find endearing (I seem to remember having to put the gear shift into reverse before putting the key in the ignition or the car wouldn’t start or something stupid like that) that in reality make Saabs rubbish cars; also the god awful looks and the crappy handling (usually from too many horses put through the front wheels). I also hate them because Saab has become an integrated part of GM’s global engineering and manufacturing operations, so essentially it’s a hodge podge of parts and know-how from all the other s*itty cars that GM makes (and this would not change for a while, even if Saab becomes a stand alone company). Saab is suffering from a serious case of ‘GMitus’ and we all know that that means that the kindest thing we could do to this poor, long suffering family pet is to put it out of its misery.

(3) There is no viable plan going forward
Saab hopes to restructure its debts and win new funding to launch three new models – a new version of the 9-5 sedan, the 9-3 X sportwagon, and 9-4X sport utility vehicle, and believes that these will enable it to broaden its range and generate more revenues (Saab sold just over 93,000 vehicles worldwide last year). The definition of stupidity is to do the same thing again and again and expect a different outcome. So giving the box of matches to child that is Saab and expecting them not to burn down the building is like asking me not to upset Italians (i.e. not likely to happen).

Now, I know all this might sound harsh, but a number of people also agree with me:

- Even though the collective intelligence of the GM board is questionable, in the restructuring plan they presented to the US Treasury (as a condition of its $13.4B emergency US government bridge loan), they made the smart call of signaling their plans to phase out the loss-making Swedish brand by 2010. So, even the dullards in Detroit don’t think Saab has a chance.

- Furthermore, the Swedish government also doesn’t want to carry the can: they are unwilling to inject state money into Saab, fearing the huge costs this would entail and the precedent this might set for other struggling car companies that have a snowball in hell’s chance of surviving without interference in the space time continuum.

The bottom line is that Saab says it needs Skr10B just to survive this year. I have no idea how much ten billion Swedish Krona is in real money, but I do know that it is about ten billion and one Krona’s more than I think they should be given, so I think Saab is as dead as the proverbial Dodo.

Alas, the Swedes are better at making saunas and pornography than they are automobiles, so if I had my way, it’s goodnight and good luck Saab.

Love,
Uncle Mark

5 Comment(s)

Uncle Mark | posted 1 year, 5 months ago

Even Saab's logo is crap

Josh Siegel | posted 1 year, 4 months ago

Don't feel bad. I went shopping for a car in that range in 2003 (Volvo, BMW, Audi, Saab, VW). Each brand's dealer told me their respect for their other brands...except for one. The Volvo, BMW, and Audi dealers all took me aside and said "You'll be happy with any of these brands. But DON'T GET A SAAB. They are just terrible cars." It was very telling.

Also, their advertising is horrible. Born by jets?! Seriously? Saab was always an outsider brand with performance...was always a cool funky car that handled well in weather.

Hootan Mahallati | posted 1 year, 4 months ago

That is very telling Josh - if I were Saab and I heard those comments, I'd go eat a tub of ice cream out of depression. Ouch!

Uncle Mark | posted 1 year, 4 months ago

Eat a tub of ice cream? What is wrong with you Hootan? Are you turning into a big girls blouse?!?!

Eat a tub of spanners Josh ... and then buy something American with a big V8 and something nice and Japanese for the 'she who must be obeyed' / 'her indoors' ; )

Hootan Mahallati | posted 1 year, 4 months ago

that just means Saabs are for girly men.