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Ultimate Test Drives … revisited

Posted by Uncle Mark | March 02, 2009 | In contributing editors humor

Okay okay okay! After receiving practically thousands of email messages with alternative suggestions on my top five test drives (I didn’t realize how many people read the blog!), I am forced to post some of the best suggestions from those of you with too much time on their hands.

So here goes, an alternative list of American vehicles that I must test drive during my stint as a rightpedal staff writer:

Abrams M1A2 Tank

Yes, the Humvee is cool, but according to the readership of rightpedal, if total urban jungle domination is my aim, then I should take the M1 Abrams out for a spin.

Now, I don’t want to come across a military geek, but the M1 is probably only my fourth favorite MBT (main battle tank to you civilians) after the Israeli Merkava 4, the British Challenger 2 and the German Leopard 2 tank, but Hootan said American vehicles … so I’m stuck with the Abrams, but it could be worse.

Yes, it’s so heavy (70 tons) that air transport is impractical, it has an effective range of less than 300 miles and it takes 8 gallons of fuel just to start the engine (yes, just to start it up, which at $90 a gallon when you take into account the cost of transporting the gas to the vehicle, is also very expensive thirst), but the beast has a jet engine that can power it up to 60 miles an hour (let’s not mention the heat signature it produces, which attracts heat seeking missiles like curry to a pisshead), and has such an effective gun (the M256 smoothbore) that a single Abrams could take out an entire battalion of most other Army’s tanks. Plus, it fires shells called ‘Penetrators’, and you can’t get any cooler than that.

Traffic wardens of the world beware, I will park wherever I bloody well please!

The Batmobile

I’ll admit, this was an omission. Not the very camp 60’s Batmobile mind, nor the 90’s phallic gesture. No, we’re talking the full-fat, double-caffeinated, steroid-enhanced, man’s man Batmobile of the latest Batman film series!
Yes, it ain’t pretty. In fact, it’s ugly. If it were a woman, it would be a Russian female shot-putter circa 1984, with the thick mustache and partially-formed male genitalia to match. But fortunately, it’s a car, it has got muscles on its muscles, and it’s so wrong it’s right.

Sorry, I can’t look at it any longer, and words are now escaping me, but I must drive it (apparently the car used in the film actually works, so Hootan, get it sorted mate).

Luke Skywalker’s Land Speeder

Right, let’s get a couple of things straight before the Trekkies start sending me hate mail:

Yes, technically it’s not a car
Yes, technically it’s from a galaxy far far away and not from any of the 50 current US states
Yes, technically it’s levitation and propulsion systems are currently outside the theoretical confines of the present laws of physics

But I really don’t give a crap and neither should you - everyone wants to ride one and I want to drive one first, end of conversation. May the force be with you and nanoo nanoo.

A ‘Garbage Truck’

Now, the day I start saying ‘garbage’ or ‘trash’ instead of ‘rubbish’ is the day I have to trade in my treasured British passport for an American one and at first, I didn’t understand why so many of you suggested that I should want to test drive one of these. After all, it smells of rubbish and is definitely not a chick magnet, but while lying in bed, awake, at four o’clock in the morning, the answer came to me: I want to test drive a rubbish truck and drive it around the areas where the rubbish collectors live, honking the horn, clattering the bins, shouting and generally making as much noise as possible while they get to sleep to see how they like it!

Payback is a bitch!

Any of the cars from ‘Transformers’

Finally, I have to hold up my hands once again and apologize for this glaring omission.
While the F22 Raptor really isn’t my bag, I have to say that getting behind the wheels of any of these bad boys would be pretty cool.

However, I do think that of all of the ‘wheeled’ vehicles that I could have chosen from the film, the Camaro is just drop-dead gorgeous and I for one will be lining up with Hootan to give it a test drive when the coupe comes out next year. I really don’t care how much it costs, what the gas mileage is, or how impractical it is - I want one. And if Megan Fox decides that she wants to sit on my lap (after all, what has Shia Labeouf got that I haven’t?) while I take it for a spin, so be it.

Love,

Uncle Mark

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