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Uncle Mark apologizes to Italy

Posted by Uncle Mark | March 17, 2009 | In contributing editors humor

So, the hate mail and spam has been flowing from all the Italian auto ‘enthusiasts’ after my comments about Fiat, and this morning I woke up to the head of decapitated teddy bear on my pillow (apparently a horse’s head in my bed would have been too expensive in today’s constricted fiscal environment). So now is about the time for me to apologize for the injustice and upset I have caused and make amends to the nation that I so cruelly insulted by insinuating that they enjoy driving bowls of cat sick that are named after excrement.

Quite rightly, it was pointed out to me that the Italians make beautiful ,beautiful, beautiful cars. Italians would not be Italians if they didn’t mention Ferrari as an example of everything that is good about their mother country while puffing their chests out with pride; witness the ball-achingly attractive Ferrari 430 Scuderia and you have to see their point.

Now yes, the Scudey picture is mainly an excuse to have another picture of a Ferrari on rightpedal, but I do have a point; I never said that all Italian cars were ugly, but if I gave this impression, I apologize.

However, I do stand by my comments about their unreliability, and herein lies the problem with a lot of Italian super cars (and also the great looking regular cars like all the Alfas) and why I would never have one. Yes, you can get an erection looking at them, but you are more likely to get back ache from all the time spent peering inside the bonnet trying to work out what the bloody hell is wrong with them!

And then there is the cost to fix them, which, unless you are made of money, should bring you out in a cold sweat just thinking about it. Like the stock market, a Ferrari can easily turn a multi millionaire into just a plain old ‘simple’ millionaire. Is it worth it?

Oh dear….this isn’t coming out much like the apology I was planning … so let me end with an analogy: I like my cars like I like my women. Yes, looks are important, but so is dependability and reliability. As I get older, the thrill of driving has not dimmed. In fact, it has gotten more intense, but being able to put the key in the ignition and not have to worry about things just working has become more important too. That’s why I’ll stick with the Brits, the Germans (which is painful to say) and, at a push, the boys in Detroit…and say Grazie but no Grazie to any car from Italy. I mean, who would buy a car from a country shaped like a boot anyway?

Love,
Uncle Mark

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